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[KH] Fire and Moonlight: Out of my Mind (theme 92)

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Fire & Moonlight, a Kingdom Hearts fanfic series by Raberba girl for Wishing-Fire's 101 Theme Challenge

Out of my Mind (theme 92) [rough draft]

 

10,000 views DeviantArt fanfic kiriban / Christmas 2014 special for CaxceberXVI

 

Summary:  Sometimes Lea despairs of ever truly getting his friend back.  Even after Xehanort's death, Isa remains trapped in his Dive to the Heart, unable to perceive the real world.

 

o.o.o

 

Lea was starting to feel vaguely guilty about how much he didn't want to visit his best friend these days.  'But really, can you blame me?'

 

Honestly...it was kind of boring a lot of the time.  And the rest of the time, it hurt.  Yet Lea still forced himself to keep coming, because it would be even worse if he stopped.

 

"Mornin', Isa."  Lea sat down on the edge of the bed.  He'd long since stopped bringing anything, or caring whether the flowers by the bedside were fresh or not.  They were yellow carnations today, starting to turn brown around the edges.  "How you feeling today?"

 

There was no response.  The shaggy-haired man kept staring straight ahead, silent.  The fact that his eyes were open meant nothing; the activity on the nearby brain monitor indicated that he was asleep.  'Good.'  Isa didn't talk in his sleep.  He only broke Lea's heart when he was awake.  "Same old, same old, huh."

 

There was a long silence.  Lea spent most of it looking at Isa's eyes, reassuring himself with their green color, unable to banish the creepy feeling that they'd start being poisoned by amber again if Lea blinked.

 

"...I miss you, man," Lea finally said.  "Every day.  I...remember things more strongly now...how fun you used to be to hang out with....  When the kids and I are talking or shopping or hanging out or whatever, I can imagine your voice so clearly.  I know what you'd say and how you'd react...I miss you, Isa."  After a long pause, Lea leaned close and whispered, "Come back to me."  Slowly, he leaned back again.  He wanted to take Isa's hand and squeeze it and hope that the hand would miraculously squeeze back, but he didn't want to risk waking Isa up.

 

No good.  Isa blinked, and the activity level on the monitor shifted.  Lea groaned in dismay.

 

After a pause, Isa exhaled deeply and said, "Still here, huh."

 

"Yeah," Lea said sadly.

 

"I keep having...these dreams lately...."

 

"That you're free, in the real world," Lea said, his voice dull.

 

"That I'm...free.  That...that I'm in the real world...with you."

 

"If I knew how to wake you up for real, Isa, I'd do it in a heartbeat."

 

Isa sighed.  "You're nothing but stained glass...you look like Lea, but you're not really him.  I--  Sometimes I...wish...that just once, I could feel like I'm talking to a real person instead of myself.  Anyone who's not him."

 

"I can hear you, Isa," Lea said softly.  "Just talk.  I'm listening."

 

Tears began to slip down Isa's face.  "I don't know how much longer I can last," he whispered.

 

"It's over, Isa.  It's over.  You can rest."

 

"I can't even...hear him anymore...I think it's been months since I've heard from him."

 

"It's been two weeks, Isa."

 

"I don't know what he's planning anymore."

 

"He's not planning anything."

 

"I don't know what he's doing."

 

"He is very busy being dead."

 

"For all I know...maybe he's finally killed you, Lea...."

 

"I'm safe, Isa."

 

"There's only one thing I pray anymore.  I pray that my hands aren't the ones that kill you."

 

"Stop, Isa."

 

"If...if you're still alive...if you can survive, if maybe I can help you, even just a tiny bit...it'll all have been worth it, Lea."

 

"Nothing is worth this, Isa."

 

The tears were no longer passive; Isa's body had started to shudder with little sobs.  "I want to die...please, Lea, if you get the chance, just kill me...."

 

"Shut up, Isa."

 

"If there's any mercy in these worlds at all, maybe I can drag him down with me."

 

"Shut up, Isa!  He's ALREADY DEAD!  Don't let him keep torturing you like this when he's dead!!!"

 

"Lea," Isa sobbed, "I miss you...I miss you so much...."

 

Lea was also crying as he took Isa's hand and squeezed it hard and pressed his forehead to his friend's.  "I'm right here.  I'm right here, wake up, I'm right here with you, just wake up, wake up, wake up...."

 

o.o.o.o.o

 

Isa was already awake and talking to him when Lea entered the room.  "...he would have never known what hit him.  But hindsight is 20/20."

 

"'Sup, Isa."

 

"Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I could have convinced him to be kind to your Keybearers."

 

"Would've made our lives so much easier," Lea said as he settled down in a chair by the bed.

 

"I think they...helped you.  They helped you find your heart again.  If I'd been able to befriend them...if I hadn't been so afraid of letting him any closer to you than he had to be...."

 

"Let's not play the If I'd Only game.  I'd probably win, anyway."

 

"What are you doing, Lea?"

 

"Talking to you."

 

"If you're still alive, you're probably...not doing the safe and sensible thing."

 

"Darn right I wasn't, back when Nort was still alive and kicking."

 

"Of course you're not.  Why keep yourself and your loved ones safe when you can be impulsively charging straight into danger instead."

 

"I'm not impulsive anymore," Lea huffed.  "Sometimes."

 

"I wonder if the children are still alive in some way, the way I am."

 

"Of course they're alive.  More than you are...."

 

"You never could resist stray puppies."

 

"Nope."

 

"I...I was so jealous, but...but I think it's good that you loved them more than me...."

 

"Isa...."

 

"You're better off caring more about them than about me."

 

"Isa, stop."

 

"Safer."

 

"Shut up."

 

"I'm glad I was able to drive you away...I don't care about being lonely, as long as you're safe."

 

"Then why are you crying, Isa."

 

"I...I'm glad....  It's good that...that you don't care about me anymore...."

 

"Shut up, Isa....  I wouldn't freaking be here if I didn't care about you."

 

"It's...better...this way...."

 

"Shut up.  Just please shut up, Isa...."

 

o.o.o.o.o

 

The kids were being kids and had all decided that they wanted to have a mass unbirthday party.  (Well, Riku had tried to opt-out, but had been swiftly dragged back into the fiasco.)  Somehow, that seemed to mean that Lea was obligated to make nine unbirthday cards for the unbirthday girls and boys, and even now, he could not quite figure out how that had happened.  He blamed Naminé.  And Aqua.

 

So that was what he was working on during this particular visit, curled up in a chair with three finished cards in a pile beside him, five blank cards in a pile on his other side, and Kairi's card pinned to the clipboard in his hands and suffering from Lea's frequent erasing.

 

"Sometimes I think this will never end," Isa said from the bed.

 

"Me too," Lea agreed absently, scribbling a flower.

 

"I can't tell if I'm still going mad or if I've already been insane for a long time."

 

"Maybe you'll like Wonderland a lot more now than you did when we were kids."

 

"Sometimes...I think...maybe I should give up."

 

"Sometimes I wonder if I should give up, too, but then I remember the promise I made you."  Forget this.  Lea threw the pencil aside in frustration and picked up the red colored pencil to start filling in the hearts.

 

"But I can't...as long as I still exist and have no proof of your death...as long as there's a chance I can help you...I can't give up."

 

"You know what would help me very, very much, is for someone to figure out how I can pull you out of your Dive without killing you."

 

"But I can't go on, either."

 

"What's your plan, then?" Lea asked idly, frowning at the bit of color that had strayed too far outside the line.  After a moment of hesitation, he started ringing the heart in a sort of halo of color.  It looked awful.  Too late; he had to just keep going.

 

"If only...I could see...even if it's through an amber tint, even if I can only look at whatever he's looking at...I need to see.  If I could just find a way through....  Maybe if I beg him, he'll let me see long enough for me to watch him doing something terrible.  At least I'll know what's going on...."

 

"Xehanort~" Lea sing-songed, drawing a happy face inside one of the hearts, "iiiiiiis deeeeeeaaaaad.  Dead as a doornail~"

 

"Lea...."

 

"I'm here, buddy.  Coloring sunshine and rainbows on an unbirthday card for Princess Kairi, but I'm definitely here."

 

"Lea, help me."

 

"Tell me whatcha need."  Lea idly swung his foot and reached for a light purple shade to do the background.

 

"Send me something...anything...something to pull me out...."

 

"We've tried everything we can think of, buddy.  No dice."  Lea sighed, and finally spared a glance at his friend for almost the first time since he'd entered the room.  Isa was still staring at nothing, so Lea returned his attention to the card.  "Nothing.  Ever.  Works."

 

He tossed Kairi's unfinished card onto the table and pulled a blank one onto the clipboard.  He unfolded it so that it was just a sheet of paper again rather than a card, and instead of writing 'Happy Unbirthday, Naminé!' in bubble letters, he started drawing a child with spiky hair.  "But I'm bored and frustrated, so I'll tell you a story just for kicks," Lea murmured.  "Once upon a time, there was a little boy.  His name was Lea, and he wanted to make sure that everyone he met would remember him."

 

He drew the boy's arms raised in exuberance.  "He didn't care if people loved him or hated him, as long as they remembered him.  Then, one day, he met another little boy named Isa."  He started sketching a second boy.  "Isa was uptight and fussy and kinda girly, and you'd think Lea would've hated him.  Lea thought he did hate him for a while, but fighting with Isa all the time was so fun that one day, Lea suddenly wondered why he wasn't playing with Isa instead.  If they could scare off bullies and one-up the teachers and set stuff on fire when they were enemies, just think of all the awesome stuff they could do if they actually worked together!"

 

He moved to the other side of the page and started drawing the boys as teenagers, huddled together over a map.  "So Lea and Isa became best friends.  Sure they still argued all the time, but it was even more fun than before, and you wouldn't believe the sorts of stuff they were able to accomplish together.  They even sneaked into the castle!  Three times!"  The sketches grew more and more simplified as Lea got tired of drawing, and the big palace guard with two boys dangling from his fists were all little more than stick figures.

 

"They probably shouldn't have done that, though.  Because the fourth time they sneaked in, they never came back out again.  As human, anyway."  He drew stick figures of two young Nobodies.  "They weren't dead, though.  Nope.  They just got new names and powers and stuff, that's all.

 

"That idiot kid, Lea?  His name changed to Axel, which is a very cool name.  That's why he doesn't mind too much that some people still call him that even though he's Lea again."  Lea chuckled.  "He had the fantastically awesome power of fire.  On the other hand, that nerd Isa got a dumb name change, and the lame power of the moon."  Lea paused.  "Except that when you'd go into berserker rages and beat me up when I didn't do what the scumbag in your head wanted, that was very definitely not cool."

 

Lea sighed and rested his head against the back of the chair, his fingers growing slack on the pencil and clipboard.  "So Isa got possessed by a guy who's too horrible to be human...and I lost my best friend...and I've still lost you, Isa, even though Xehanort is freaking gone, I still lost you...and I really, really miss you...."

 

After a long time, Isa's voice came softly.  "...Is this a dream?"

 

Lea squeezed his eyes shut.  Then he wiped the tears away, picked up Kairi's card, and resumed coloring it.  "Sure."

 

"...Lea?"

 

"What."  He shouldn't have drawn so many flowers, they were a pain to color.

 

"You look...different...."

 

"It's a dream, isn't it?  I can look however I want.  Or however you want.  Whatever."

 

"...True."

 

Lea worked in silence for a while.  He finished Kairi's card, flopped it onto the table with a huge sigh, stared at the pile of unfinished cards for a long time, then sloooowly dragged the next one close to him.  He was too tired to do Roxas's or Xion's; he wanted theirs to be special.  This card could be Van's.

 

Isa finally said, "It's good to be able to see something better than darkness and stained glass."

 

"I bet."

 

"Even if it's just a dream."

 

"Sure."

 

"...Lea?"

 

"'Sup."

 

"...What should I do?"

 

"What do you want to do?"

 

"I should think the answer to that was quite obvious, even to my subconscious self.  I want to be free."

 

"Uh huh."  He kind of wanted to draw hearts and flowers just to tick off Van, but Aqua would probably just make him redo the whole card if he tried that.

 

"...I hope you're not dead, Lea."

 

"I'm peachy, Isa."

 

"I wish I could truly believe that.  Then maybe I could let myself fade away."

 

"Please don't start talking like that again," Lea said dully, drawing a puppy that looked rather like a small deer.

 

"...It's so hard, Lea."

 

"You think this is easy for me?" Lea snapped.  The pencil tip broke as he pressed down on it too hard.  He made a frustrated sound and reached for the pencil sharpener.  "Coming here every other day for a month, seeing my best friend like this, knowing there's nothing I can do, I can't even avenge you...!"

 

Lea suddenly threw the clipboard across the room.  "Sometimes I wish Xehanort was still alive just so I could TORTURE HIM TO DEATH a few times, and make up for even a fraction of what he's put us through...!"  Lea lay in the chair for a while, scowling up at the ceiling through his tears.  After a long time, he sighed heavily, dragged himself upright, and started collecting his things.  "Forget this.  I'm going home.  See you later, Isa."

 

"L-Lea...!"

 

Lea stalked over to the bed without really looking, roughly pulled Isa close in a one-armed hug, then headed for the door.

 

"Lea!  Wait, please wait...!"

 

Lea paused on the threshold, frowning, and turned back.  "What?"

 

"Don't leave me," Isa pleaded.

 

Lea stared at him.  Isa stared back.  Lea's bag slipped down his shoulder and plopped to the floor.

 

Slowly, shaking, Lea stepped back toward the bed.  Isa was reaching for him.  Lea softly grasped his outstretched hand.  "I...Isa?"

 

"At least stay with me until I have to wake up," Isa begged.

 

Lea suddenly wondered if he was the one dreaming.  He pinched himself.  It hurt.

 

"Lea?"

 

"Isa.  I--  Isa!!!"  Lea threw his arms around him, bursting into tears as he felt Isa's arms hesitantly return the embrace.  "Isa...Isa, you came back...!"

 

"Please don't be a dream," Isa whimpered brokenly into Lea's shoulder.  "Please...don't...be a dream...."

 

"Isa, you--!  Is it really you?!  You can see me?!  You can hear me?!"

 

"Lea...Lea...."

 

"Isaaaaaaa!  Aaaaaahhhh!  Forget unbirthdays, man; we're having a REAL party on Saturday!"

 

"Unbirthdays...???"

 

o.o.o

 

Author's Notes:  In case it wasn't clear, Isa was talking to the picture of Lea on his Dive pillar. ^^;  He thought he was really talking to himself; he had no idea that the real Lea could see and hear him.

 

This kiriban took way too long for me to do, I'm so sorry Caxceber...!  (Also really sorry that I wasn't able to write your original request. D:  Kingdom Hearts is so hard for me to write new stuff for nowadays....)  Probably would have taken even longer if you hadn't re-asked for it for Christmas. XD

 

Today I worked at the job that usually gives me a lot of time to write.  It was a weird situation and I ended up with much less time to write than usual, but I was still able to hand-write the first half of this fic, and finished the rest on the computer when I got home.  Coming up with an idea for a new Kingdom Hearts story was really hard, but once I finally got a plunny that stayed alive and I figured out how to start the story, I was kind of shocked at how easily it flowed all the way through. XD

 

By the way, this is super-random, but if I were to write a modern AU "handsome sweet rich boy + Cinderella girl" sort of story, do you guys have any suggestions for activities they could do together to develop their relationship??  Both friendshippey and romantic stuff could work.  (I have the whole story outlined, but the part that needs a bit of fleshing out is the "Their relationship develops" part in the middle. ^^;  Cute little things or dates or whatever like you'd see in a chick flick, or that you wish would be in more chick flicks. XD)

 

Complete:  68/101

Comments6
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Komori-Moon's avatar
I don't really want to say this was funny (this was quite sad) but some of the stuff Lea said was pretty funny. The 'Xehanort iiiiiiiiis deeeeaaaad' bit; just imaging him sing-songing it. So hilarious.

Lea should have put flowers and rainbows on Vani's card! That would have been great. But why was Lea the one making the cards?

Aahh, at least Isa woke up at the end.