[KH] Christmas at the Castle, chapter 11 (part 1)

Christmas at the Castle, a Kingdom Hearts fanfic by Raberba girl

Chapter 11 - ...Two hot-pink scythes...

A/N:  I HATE (most of) THIS CHAPTER SO FREAKING MUCH.  The numerous perspective inconsistencies in particular bug me very much, but I couldn't really fix them.

o.o.o

9ẍ2ẍ9ẍ2 DEMYX & XIGGY'S MOVIE OF AW3S0M3! 2ẍ9ẍ2ẍ9

-

Swirling fog filled the screen as old-fashioned Christmas carols played with haunting softness in the background.  A recording of Demyx's voice began an overdramatic narration.

-

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far aw-- *cough*  J/k, our story begins in the foggiest swirling of fog...um, ever seen...in any clichéd movie opening ever!  In London.  Watch as the mists magically clear to reveal our hero--  He's not really a hero...but he's the por-- pot-- pr0n--  Xig, what's that word again?  Protago-huh?  Whatever; he's the main character!  And he's moving offscreen so I gotta talk faster; anyway, it's Ebenezer Saïx, the richest and most miserly man in town.

-

There was a rustle of laughter from the audience, for the figure on the screen was actually a sultry Dancer wearing a long blue wig and bearing an X-shaped mark on its almost featureless face, drawn in ink.  The real Saïx was not amused.

-

Ebenezer Saïx forges through the snow-choked streets without so much as a nod or a smile or even a friendly insult to anyone he passes on this bleak Christmas Eve.  He walks by a group of wretched beggars warming themselves around a pitiful fire.

-

The beggars - ALL the figures on screen, actually - were lesser Nobodies.  One of Sniper-beggars, wearing a blonde wig and jewelry like Luxord's, held out a hand to Ebenezer Saïx.  When it spoke, it was in an outrageously accented voiceover by Xigbar, since lesser Nobodies are mute, of course.

-

"Please, sir.  Won't you spare a penny for this poor gambler who's run afoul of Lady Luck this Christmas season?"

-

"What nonsense," the real Luxord remarked.  "I'm not so unskilled at wagering that I'd end up destitute."

-

"Bah!" Ebenezer Saïx retorts [in Demyx's voice].  "The jails have plenty of warmer beds, go turn yourself in if you want a less miserable hearth!"  He continues on, until he reaches a counting-house bearing the sign he's been too lazy to change, Xemnas & Saïx Inc. Co. Ltd. Etc., though his partner Jacob Xemnas has been dead and gone these past seven years.

-

"Ah, the Ultimate Void," Xemnas said, almost dreamily.  Those sitting near him surreptitiously scooted farther away.

-

Saïx enters the counting-house, where his handsome, talented, underpaid, and horribly, horribly, horribly overworked clerk, Demyx Cratchit, sits working industriously at his desk.

-

"As if you're capable of being industrious in anything," Zexion grumbled.  Demyx stuck out his tongue at him.

-

"Merry Christmas, Mr. Saïx!" Demyx says brightly.

"Bah!  Humbug."

"Why, Mr. Saïx!  How could you be so callous toward such a wonderful holiday as Christmas, where everyone gets to sleep in late and buy me presents?"

-

"Hmph.  Congratulations, Demyx.  I didn't realize you knew the word 'callous.'"

"Hey, I know lots of things!"

-

"I have no use for Christmas, because I'm a grumpy poopiehead and I live for assigning people ridiculously hard missions."

-

Everyone immediately looked (not without some gleeful anticipation) at Saïx, who appeared to be contemplating preferred murder methods.

"Joke!" Demyx squeaked.  "Joke, joke, it's a joke!"

-

"Well, Merry Christmas anyway, Mr. Saïx!  You may be a meanie, but you're still one of my Dancers, so I love you!"

-

"See?!"

-

A knock sounds on the door.  "Ah!" Saïx says greedily.  "Another customer to send on awful missions.  Open the door, Demyx!"

To his disappointment, it's not a customer, but actually his gorgeous niece-I-mean-nephew.

-

Ebenezer Saïx's niece-I-mean-nephew turned out to be a Dancer decked out in a garish pink coat, with flowers trailing in its wake.  Maruhana nearly had a meltdown until Rocks, Nice, Sea Foam, Marsh, Insects, and Dig More all insisted that the flowers were artificial, not corpses.

-

"Good afternoon, Uncle Saïx!" Marluxia says happily [in Xigbar's version of a girly voice].  "And a Merry Christmas to you!"

"Bah!  Humbug."

"Well, that's pretty rude."

"I told him the exact same thing," Demyx says in a huff.

"Anyway!  Uncle Saïx, I've come to invite you to Christmas dinner!  We're having roses, tulips, begonias, and marigolds."

-

"What?  That's not even real food."

-

"Bah!  As if I'd waste my time with silly flowers."

Marluxia begins to cry.

"Give me a cold, lonely counting-house any day!  Now, be off with you, before I catch any of your otomen cooties."

-

"Axel, what's an otomen?"

"Manly guy who likes girly things.  Not to be confused with a guy who's just gay."

"Oh!  That explains a lot."

-

"Well, let me know if you change your mind, because even though you're a jerk with a big ugly scar and hair that looks like a rat's nest, you're still kind of cute and I want to deck you out in flowers."  Marluxia leaves, but no sooner does the door slam shut behind him than it bursts open again, admitting two weirdoes in a swirl of snow.

"Ah!  Real customers this time," Saïx says happily.

-

One of the newcomers was actually two Snipers bound into a single coat, with the top one wearing a Lexaeus wig.  The other was a Dancer wearing a Zexion wig, with dark bangs flowing down to the waist.

-

"Merry Christmas," Zexion mumbles.  "If it can possibly still be merry after drowning in my emo-waves...."

"Your what?"

"We're looking for Misters Xemnas and Saïx."

"Xemnas is dead," Demyx says cheerfully.

"Ohhhh...then he's in the Ultimate Abyss of Despair," Zexion says rapturously.  "Just a sec, I have to write a poem about that."

"NO, you don't," Saïx snaps.  "I'm Saïx.  What do you want?"

"To slit my wrists...."

"I meant, what do you want with ME?"

Zexion sighs loudly.  "We're taking up a collection for the poor and those in desperate need of haircuts.  Please give us lots of munny."

"Hah!  Haircuts, indeed!  Why should I waste my hard-earned munny on such drivel?"  Isn't 'drivel' a fun word?  Driveldriveldrivel. XD

"Because as you can CLEARLY SEE, unless that huge scar of yours made you half-blind as well as ugly, I can barely see through this curtain of hair, and every day I run the risk of tripping over something I can't see and breaking my neck, and I think I just said 'see' too much, oh well."

-

"...I can see just fine through my hair."

-

"Is that so?" Saïx growls like a dog (ha ha, see what we did there?).  "Well, you can just keep right at it for all I care - after all, if it's your time to go, then it's your time to go, and it just means more horrible fun poetry for you, right?"

"But--"

"Now go away!  And make sure to let the door hit your butts on the way out, so I can have a good laugh at your expense!"

-

"Hey, Lexaeus didn't say a word in that whole scene."

"Guess there's a reason he's called the 'Silent Hero,' eh?"

"...I'm not that silent."

-

"Ah!" Saïx moans when the emo guy and the Hulk are gone, "What is this world coming to, Demyx?  Next they'll be asking me to give munny to orphans, or widows, or the dog pound."

"You sure talk about dogs a lot, boss."

"That's because I'm a werewolf, duh."

-

"Why does everyone always make werewolf jokes about Saïx?"  Roxas asked.

"Because moon element + berserker mode + ratty hair = werewolf!" Demyx explained brightly.  "See, I'm smart."

"No, you're not," someone snorted.

"What?  Yes I am!"

"Gotta disagree with you there, Demyx."

"Superioooor, everyone's picking on me!"

There was a long pause.

"I think he fell asleep again," Xion observed.

-

When the clock begins to chime, Demyx happily throws down his pen and swings his threadbare but still trendy coat across his shoulders.

"Huh!" Saïx exclaims, pulling out his pocket watch and frowning at it.  "The office clock is two minutes fast."

OF COURSE IT IS.  Demyx's face falls, and he has the most adorably sad look as he resumes his seat, but of course Ebenezer Saïx is immune to woobieness.

"Oh well.  Even though I'm a big jerk, I'll let you go home early, but you'd better make up that time tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?  But tomorrow's Christmas Day!"

"So?"

"So everyone except insane little kids get to sleep in on Christmas Day!"

"Well, I must be an insane little kid at heart, because I am not going to be sleeping in, and neither are you!"

"Aw, come on!"

"Oh...all right; since you're so persuasive, I'll give you tomorrow off.  But you get no mission rewards, and you have to wash my stinky laundry, too!"

"But I always wash your stinky laundry!  And your dishes, and your floors, and every single bathtub, sink, and toilet in the entire freaking castle...."

-

Vexen snorted.  "It's your water copies that do the cleaning, not you personally."

"You've never made water copies before, have you," Demyx grumbled.

-

"Well, in that case, you can wash my stinky laundry and sign all my mission reports, since that takes soooo much effort.  Now get out, before I bite you like the rabid werewolf I am!"

-

"From this point forward, anyone who calls me a werewolf will forfeit five Challenge Sigils," Saïx growled.

*insert whiny protests here*

-

"Okay, I'm going, I'm going!"

Saïx stays extra late at work that night, counting his piles of munny and kibbles.

-

"THAT SO DOES NOT COUNT!  And we made the movie before your stupid Sigil-stealing rule, anyway!"

"Demyx, do you even have any Challenge Sigils?" someone asked dubiously.

"Of course I don't!  Why d'you think I'm falling over myself not to owe any?"

-

Then he makes his way through the cold dreary streets and arrives at his cold dreary house.  Which is painted pink, because we thought that would be funny. XD

-

For the record, Saïx did not even crack a smile.

However, Organization XIII now had a bigger problem.  "Someone wake up the Superior.  If he misses his scene, he's gonna make us rewind it and watch it again."

There was more than one horrified gasp.  "SUPERIOR, WAKE UP."

Xemnas did not move or respond in any way.

"Zexion, let me borrow your lexicon for a second."

"I can slam it down myself," the Cloaked Schemer huffed, raising his weapon high in the air.

-

He goes inside, chews on a bone for dinner, then sits down to do his oh-so-important paperwork.

-

"The paperwork is actually harder than it looks," Roxas spoke up.  Everyone, including Saïx, looked at him in surprise.

"What?  How would you know?  Have you DONE Saïx's paperwork?" Demyx asked interestedly.

"Well, no, but when we--"  Roxas broke off when he happened to glance at Saïx and became suddenly convinced that it was indeed possible for one to keel over dead from the sole power of an intensely burning gaze.  "We...um...uh...oh, look, we're missing the movie!"

"No, we're not, because I paused it," Xigbar said cheerfully, brandishing the remote.  "Do continue your interesting story, young Key of Destiny."

"Ummmm....  Hey, we should all have a contest, and see who can do the mission paperwork the best."

Axel slapped his hand over his face.  "You really are His Nobody, aren't you."

"Huh?  Whose Nobody?"

Half the Organization suddenly lunged for the remote.  "LET'S GET BACK TO WATCHING THE MOVIE, SHALL WE?"

-

Suddenly, chills creep down his spine as he hears the clanking of chains and movement on the floors below.  He huddles in his chair, a picture of abject terror.

-

"Just so you know, Number IX, your next mission will be involving a Leechgrave, an Antlion, and an Infernal Engine, all at the same time."

"WHAT?!"

"And I am seriously considering voiding your vacation coupon as well."

"Oh, come ON!"

-

The footsteps and rattling creep across the lower floors, up the stairs, down the hall, and RIGHT THROUGH THE LOCKED DOOR INTO THE ROOM WHERE SAÏX IS WETTING HIS PANTS IN SHEER TERROR!

-

"Why is that Dancer wearing a ridiculous white wig?" Xemnas asked, saving Demyx from further punishment.

"Because it's pretending to be you, Superior."

"Oh.  ...  It does not look like me at all."

"I think that goes without saying, sir."

-

"Saïx," the apparition whispers in a chilly voice [well, as chilly as Xigbar can get while apparently trying to not burst into laughter], "Saaaaiiiix...."

"Go away!  You're scary!"

"Saïx...do you not recognize me?  It is I, your old partner, Jacob Xemnas, back from that Void I'm so obsessed with."

"X...Xemnas?"

"I've come to warn you, Saïx.  You see these heavy chains I bear? You will be cursed to carry chains just like these for all eternity, unless you issue more vacation days and stop confiscating Xigbar's porn."

-

"Axel, what's--?"

"Shut up and watch the movie," Axel grumbled.

Someone else laughed.  "Heh, bet you've got a nice collection stashed up by now, eh, Saïx?"

"It goes straight into the incinerator," Saïx said shortly.

"Suuure it does."

-

"Never!  Because I am a total jerk who loves bossing everyone around just because I have evil yellow eyes and pointy ears!"

-

"But Xigbar, you have yellow eyes and pointy ears, too," Xion pointed out in confusion.

"I have golden butterscotch topaz eyes, not yellow ones," Xigbar said primly.

"There's a difference?"

"Of course there is!"

"Xion, don't listen to a word he says," Axel said in exasperation, even as he hastily reached out to stop Roxas from actually getting up to compare the two.

-

"Very well.  Then you had better start lifting weights, because you're gonna need those muscles to cart around your chains in the afterlife."

"Wait, Xemnas!  Tell me how else I can weasel my way out of this fate, besides not being a control freak about everyone's personal lives!"

"Well, tonight you're going to be visited by three spirits.  If you listen to them and do what they say, then this story might have a happy ending."

"For realz?"

"Totally.  Well, I guess I'd better get going.  Kingdom Hearts gets awful cranky when I'm late for our dinner dates."  With that, the ghost disappears, leaving Saïx alone in his cold dreary pink house once again.

He soon goes to bed, but is woken up at 1:00 in the morning by a character who isn't a lesser Nobody for once, since we finally found out where those three disappear to every afternoon.  He opens his eyes to see--

-

"Hey, Xion, that's you!" Roxas exclaimed.  "I mean, the real you, not a Sniper in a black wig or something."

"Do I really look that creepy with my hood up?" she gasped in dismay.

"...Yeah, you kind of do."

-

--a creepy hooded figure swathed in black.  "Hello," the spirit says, lowering its hood to reveal the face of a cute but very confused-looking little girl.  "I'm the Spirit of Christmas Past, but you can call me Poppet?"

"What have you come to show me?" Saïx asks.

[Poppet reads from a piece of paper she is holding.]  "What, you think I'm named 'the Spirit of Christmas Past' because I'm gonna show you Kingdom Hearts or something?  I'm gonna show you Christmas Past, duh?  Take my hand?"

Saïx takes the hand of the still-confused-looking spirit, and the two of them walk to the Hall of Empty Melodies, where a bunch of Snipers and Dancers are dancing.  One of the Dancers is wearing a spiky red wig.

-

"You did not just make me Scrooge's ex-girlfriend!" Axel burst out.

"Yeah, we kinda did," Xigbar laughed remorselessly.

-

"Hey, that's my old boss!" Saïx gasps.  "I remember this party!  That sulky, pockmarked teenager in the corner is me!  And over there under the mistletoe, it's...it's Axelbelle!"

-

"Xigbar, you and me, boss battle, tomorrow, 6:00 p.m.  Demyx, remind me to shut your head in the oven later," Axel growled.

"Of course I'm not going to remind you to do that!  It would hurt!"

"Exactly."

-

"Oh, Axelbelle...s/he was so lovely back then...oh, I haven't thought about her/him in years!"  Saïx and Poppet watch as Axelbelle tries to drag young Saïx under the mistletoe, then manages to get him to dance.  Mist wafts over the scene, until we see the young couple in a garden at twilight some time later.

"Dear Saïx," Axelbelle says softly,--

-

"Oh, for crying out loud!"

-

--"please, I must have your answer.  For years I have waited for you, and watched your face grow hard with greed and control freak...ism.  Tell me, once and for all:  Do you love me?  Is your non-heart still true after all this time?"

Young Saïx replies, "Yo, do you think your dad'll be able to salvage his chew toy company, or is he gonna take that new job on the catnip plantation after all?"

"Oh, Saïx, what has that to do with whether or not you love me?"

"Well, my answer's kinda based on how you reply, so...."

"Alas!  This is answer enough.  You care more about my father's chew toys than you do about me!"

"Well, duh."

The lovely girl/boy/Nobody/thing is sobbing now.  "Then farewell forever, O beautiful slayer of my heart...!"  Saïx never saw her again.

-

"That's it, run, Axelbelle!  Run far, far away!"

"Axel, you do realize that you're yelling at a Dancer in the TV, right?"

"I DON'T CARE."

-

"Dude, Xion!  I mean, Christmas Past!" Saïx cries, "Don't show me anymore, I can't stand it!"

"All right?" Poppet agrees.  "But remember, Saïx, you drove that lovely creature away yourself, and therefore you have only yourself to blame...?"

As the spirit vanishes into the mists of time, Saïx opens his eyes to find himself in his bed once more.  "Wah, it was only a dream...man, I gotta lay off the Bacon Bits before bedtime.  I think they're giving me indigestion."

However, the blue-haired miser's adventures are far from over!

-