[HTTYD] His Soul Reflects My Own: Trust, chapter 7

His Soul Reflects My Own: Trust, a DreamWorks' How to Train Your Dragon fanfic by Raberba girl

Chapter 7 (rough draft)

Even after being placed in the hospital's care, Toothless still looked horribly fragile and damaged, and had yet to regain consciousness.  Terrible Terrors constantly nested in and around his bed; at least one of his dragon troopmates was always at his side; most of the rest of Berk's dragons kept vigil around the hospital, to the inconvenience of any humans trying go about their business nearby.  Hiccup was torn between desperately fixating on his partner's every breath and trying to escape the pain by burying himself in work.

When Berk's resident Dream Master casually asked if Hiccup would like him to restore the Night Fury to full physical health, Hiccup was stunned.

"What--?  You can do that?!  You can--  Even his tail?!  His flight?!?!  Can you make Toothless fly again?!"

"I have no power over the chip...it is a real thing, from this world.  But Your Toothless is a dream creature, so the rest of His body - yes, of course.  I can remake it as You like."  Squirt frowned and added in a slightly grudging tone, "Or as He likes."

"Fix him!  Why didn't you mention this sooner?!  Fix him!"

It was Astrid who laid a hand on Hiccup's arm and held out her other toward Squirt to stop him.  "Hiccup."

"What?" her fiancé snapped.

Astrid's tone remained calm, though she squeezed his arm in warning.  "Don't you think you ought to ask Toothless before you go changing his body?"

"What?" Hiccup repeated irritably.  "He's hurt.  Squirt can heal him."

Astrid gripped his face so that he was forced to actually meet her eyes.  "You already altered your dragon once without his permission.  Are you making this a regular thing now?"

Hiccup's heart was pounding with a mix of anger and shame.  He had to work hard to keep his eyes and voice free from tears.  "He...of course he'd say yes if he was awake...!"

"Then give him a chance to wake up and say it.  Unless you really are as okay with making his decisions for him as he supposedly is."

Hiccup stormed out and seized upon the biggest, most frustrating chief-of-Berk problem he could find, since all the trouble of solving it was still easier than having to keep standing by and be completely powerless to help his other half.

o.o.o.o.o

Toothless awakened at last.  It was after midnight, and very quiet.  The Terror nestled at his side did not even stir, and Stormfly did not make a sound as she leaned forward and touched her forehead to his.

The two dragons silently comforted and reassured each other for several long moments, without words or even thoughts.  Then Stormfly glanced at her alpha's sleeping consort, pressed a brief kiss to Toothless's cheek, gently gathered the Terror into her arms, and left the room, closing the door behind her.

Hiccup, who had fallen asleep in a chair drawn close to the bed, barely stirred.  The dragon lethargically struggled to sit up, then simply looked at his other half for a long time.

Hiccup finally opened his eyes.  Disoriented, he gazed at Toothless for several seconds before finally processing what he was seeing.  His eyes widened as he straightened up.

Toothless's voice was very soft.  "My Hiccup that I love...."

Hiccup put his arms around his dragon, hugging him very tightly for a long time.  Toothless, careful to keep his remaining hand angled away from his human, closed his eyes and sat still, slowly drawing strength from the embrace.

Hiccup let go at last, near tears.  It took more than one try before he was able to speak.  "What do I say to you?" was all he was able to manage aloud.  "What do I say...?"

Toothless simply looked at him.  For the first time in a long time, Hiccup was unable to read his friend's expression...perhaps because what Toothless felt was just as much of a jumbled flood as what Hiccup was struggling with now.

"Comfort me," Hiccup finally whispered.  Toothless leaned into him, silently offering reassurance through touch and closeness.  He lifted his 'safe' arm, which had been so numbed by medication that he could feel nothing even when he put it around Hiccup to embrace him.  Even as it brought comfort, the reminder of what had been lost seemed to sharpen Hiccup's grief, and he couldn't hold the tears back anymore.  It was a long time before he was able to regain enough composure to speak again.

"It hurts.  It hurts.  You know how you say we are two halves of one heart?  That's why when you get hurt, I'm hurt, too, and losing you like that...seeing you like this...you might as w-well be shooting at me again, let's just go back to that day when I had to watch you try to kill me, let's just keep doing this until both of us are dead, then maybe it--  maybe then this pain will finally stop!!"

Tears had started falling from the dragon's eyes as well.  "...Hurt my Hiccup when I am close to Him...hurt my Hiccup when I leave Him....  What do I do?  Can't keep my most precious thing safe, can never never make Him happy and love me again...it hurts...."

Which set off Hiccup all over again.  "Why is this--?!  Why?!"  He clutched Toothless as he cried, frustrated at his own tears and his inability to articulate what he knew desperately needed to be said.  Something between them was so badly broken, he had to find the right words and figure out what to do to fix it, but when he kept breaking down like this, when he couldn't control his own feelings or figure out what the real issue was so he could deal with it and get rid of it....  Though Toothless seemed content to merely sit here in his arms, eyes closed, breathing deep, as if Hiccup's embrace and the sound of his heartbeat was all he needed.

Hiccup finally pulled back, raking a hand through his hair in agitation.  "My father's dead."

The pain in Toothless's eyes was a perfect mirror of what Hiccup felt.

"You were...you were coming for me, I thought that was the worst moment of my life when I saw the emptiness in your eyes and realized you couldn't hear me...but then he...."  Hiccup drew a shaky breath.  "My biggest screw-up yet, and of course Dad cleaned up after me, just like always.  And it's my fault he'll never be able to fix my mistakes again."  Hiccup angrily scrubbed the new tears from his face, blinked and tried to refocus away from past wounds that had apparently never truly healed.

"It wasn't your fault, I know it wasn't your fault.  I shouldn't have chased you off, I am so, so sorry.  It just...it just hurts.  I can't...get those images out of my head, I wish I could erase my memories, that's...."  He gripped Toothless's shoulder and looked into his eyes.  "I should never have touched your memories, Toothless.  It was my memories I wanted to get rid of, not yours.  But you're not--  You're my--  You're my other half, but I shouldn't use you as if you're me and not yourself.  I can't...live my life through you, or whatever I thought I was doing when I....  What I did to you was wrong.  It doesn't matter whether you mind or not, I did something terrible to you, Toothless, so...please...say you forgive me."

The stare Toothless was giving him now was incredulous.  "I hurt my Hiccup...hurt my most precious thing, horrible stupid dragon can't take care of what I love, but Hiccup asks me to forgive, Hiccup lets me hurt Him but says it's His fault not mine, what do I do, Hiccup says--"

"Stop it!  Stop it, I KNOW you'd do anything for me!  I know you'd-- you'd die before you let me get hurt, so how could you possibly think anything is your fault?!  You're not the one who thought he knew better than his own chief, you're not the one who thought he could talk sense into a murderous raving madman, you're not the--!"

Toothless had instinctively started to lift his medication-numbed hand, but then he slammed it back down, clutching the sheets as if desperate to keep it anchored as far away from Hiccup as possible.  Angry tears were spilling down his cheeks again.  "Hurts me!  Other half of my heart, You hate Yourself, You hate and hurt me, too!!!  It hurts!  It hurts so much and You never tell me what I must do to make it stop!  Tell me, tell me what You want and I will give, I will give You everything, anything, please tell me!"

For a second, Hiccup was frozen.  Then he seemed to shrink into himself, choking out bitterly, "I hurt you no matter what I do, don't I...hurt my Toothless when I hide from him, hurt my Toothless when I'm angry at myself...what do I do...?"

"Both of us lost," Toothless sobbed.  "Lost and alone and afraid and hurting, why are we lost when we are here?  I don't understand, it hurts, is it because You are human and I'm not?  We are too different, we can't be together...."

"Shut up," Hiccup whispered.  He put his arms around his dragon again and hugged him tightly.  "I won't let that be true.  You are the best thing that ever happened to me, we belong together.  I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry, Toothless."

"Sorry," Toothless whimpered.  "Sorry, sorry, sorry.  So much, as much as You want."

They were quiet for a long time.  Hiccup felt like he'd used up all his tears, like there were no more left even if he needed them.  "Toothless," he finally said, his voice hollow.  "Don't ever leave me like that again."

Toothless stared at him, then dragged his eyes down to his hand.  He uncurled his numb fingers and raised his hand to look at it.  It was heavily bandaged, particularly around the wrist, and he still kept it carefully angled away.  "Get rid of this," he said in a low voice.  "This rotten thing.  Take it off of me, throw it away.  Then I can stay close to You."

Hiccup took far too long to figure out what this meant, because he couldn't believe what he was hearing.  "Your--  Your hand...?!"

Toothless set it back down on the sheets.

"Toothless--"  Hiccup instinctively started to grasp his hand.

Toothless's eyes widened in sudden panic, and he jerked it out of reach.  "No!"

Hiccup felt like he was going to be sick again.  "You--  You did that to - to yourself?!  Your hands, Toothless, you did that...?!"

"Fire," Toothless whispered.  "Shoot and kill my Hiccup.  Shoot and kill Dad.  Rotten.  I don't want them, I don't want them, I don't want to hurt and kill these people I love and so precious to me, I don't--"

Hiccup couldn't get hold of it when Toothless was keeping it out of reach.  Sudden emotion swept over him.  He flung himself at Toothless's arm and seized it with both hands.  Ordinarily, he was no match for the Night Fury - but with Toothless in this weakened state and Hiccup surging with unaccustomed strength, especially when he leaned so close that the dragon had no room to struggle....

Hiccup had his good knee braced against the edge of the bed, his hands pressing Toothless's palm flat against his own heart.  "No," Toothless begged, straining to jerk his hand free but unable to pull away more than the tips of his fingers.  "No, no, no...!"

"It's okay," Hiccup told him.  Toothless whimpered.  "I know that being with you can be dangerous.  It's okay."

"Not okay!  Hurt You...!"

"Toothless, I'd so much rather risk that, every single minute we're together, than lose you again.  I don't want to be safe if it means you couldn't stay with me.  Even if you ever did hurt me, even if you shot me, burned me...it's okay.  I trust you.  You are my...my other half, and...."  He smiled a little.  "...and I so very much love you.  I know you'd never hurt me on purpose."

"Not on purpose," Toothless choked out through his tears, "Never.  I hurt my Hiccup when I so very much don't want to.  I will lose my Hiccup.  My fault, my Hiccup lost forever."

"I wouldn't blame you," Hiccup said softly.  "If that ever happened, Toothless...please keep being strong.  Don't go crazy and abandon them again.  They need you.  Even if you lose me, they still need you.  Please, please don't tear yourself apart for my sake, don't hurt all those people for my sake."

Toothless finally went still, his hand relaxing in Hiccup's grip.  He touched his forehead to Hiccup's and closed his eyes.  "Lose You...my precious other half that I love most...."

"We have the same heart," Hiccup murmured, "but we are not the same person.  If I die, I don't want you to die, too.  There are other people we care about, who need us.  If you ever lose me, I still want you to be happy...my Toothless that I love."

"...."

"Promise me you'll live for yourself, too, and for the others.  Not just for me."

"...Promise to be happy without You."  Toothless tugged his hand free from his friend's loosened hold and affectionately brushed his fingers against Hiccup's hair.  "...But very so much happier with You."

Hiccup smiled.  "Same here."

To be concluded....

Author's Notes:  I had to completely re-write almost half of this chapter (and I'm still very unhappy with it, ugh).  I was very dissatisfied with the original draft, and finally realized that it was because I was trying to control the characters too much and they were therefore getting inexcusably OOC.  Thank you to Medli45 for giving me a useful line to work with in the revised dialogue!

Btw, the dragons tend to get less verbally fluent when they're upset.

Also, concrit very much needed.  I took out this paragraph when I was quick-editing; it's Hiccup's jumbled flood of thoughts when Toothless first wakes up and Hiccup can't figure out what to say to him.  Do you think I should find a place to work any of that back into the chapter, or is it all unnecessary?  Please let me know, I really need a more objective opinion on this!!

How could you do that to me?!  You hate me for what I did to you.  You couldn't stand that I was angry at you.  I shouldn't have tried to hide things from you, I should have told you from the beginning; forgive me, forgive me.  Were you trying to get yourself killed?  Were you trying to kill me by killing yourself?  Do you have any idea what the past week has been like for me?  Why would you run from me?  Why?  Too many things he was bursting with all at once.